Watching the finale of Breaking Bad last night was a very unique catharsis for me.
By coincidence, the final half season started airing right as my panic/anxiety was in full swing. If I was panicked enough, watching the show actually made my panic attack worse, due to my increased sensitivity at the time.
I love dark content, but certain things (such as the hell Jesse went through) became downright disturbing in a 'I want to stop watching' way. (I still watched it all anyway)
So it was almost unnaturally good timing that those feelings of panic stopped just in time for the finale last week. It was a relief on its own to realize how much better I felt while watching it, so to have the show resolve itself so perfectly (in my opinion) became even more satisfying.
Of course, that doesn't mean I'm out of the woods yet.
Sleep is still impossible. Which is strange, since I no longer feel panicked at all going to bed, or waking up. I just lay there a for hours, going in and out.
I spoke to my psychiatrist today, and she is continuing to have me climb upwards on Seroquel. I'm nervous as hell, but she is right that I have been still on a 'baby dose' of 200mg total. (Any site I read mentions 300mg-400mg as a minimum maintenance dose)
At least I'm off the Klonopin, making this all somewhat less of an absurd medication circus.
So tonight I'm going to try adding 50mg of XR (Extended Release) to my usual 200mg Immediate Release (IR). Take the XR four hours before bed, IR one hour before bed, and my Rozerem 30 minutes before bed. Still a medication circus if you ask me, but I'm feeling better, so I can't really complain too much.
She claims I haven't developed a 'tolerance' to Seroquel, but it seems quite clear that I always sleep like a baby on a new higher dose, and then that diminishes over time. As mentioned previously, reading online it seems like a common occurence as well.
I'm used to being on very low medication. Over the last year I tapered off of Cymbalta slowly, so I was only taking Lithium 900mg. That was it.
But until I get a good night's sleep again - instead of spending the majority of the time laying in bed - I'm open to moving upward on medications.
For now.
Monday, September 30, 2013
Saturday, September 28, 2013
What now?
Lovely! Sleep was awful last night - I'm already developing a strong tolerance to my new Seroquel dose. (Barely has been a week since I doubled from 100 XR to 200 Immediate Release)
Most of the night I'm either wide awake, or going in and out of sleep constantly. For some reason I find once the morning hits, I get more solid sleep and feel rested around 11:30am. (Not cool once I need to get up earlier in the morning)
Reading online, it just seems inevitable that the sedative effects of drugs like Seroquel wear off, which leaves you in an endless cycle of upping the dose to get the same sedative effects.
When you first take Seroquel, it will knock you out like a sledgehammer, and keep you sleeping for a while. But as of last night I didn't feel a thing.
I didn't mention this earlier, but I'm also taking Klonopin and Rozerem at night. Klonopoin is a 'benzo' with severe long-term addictive problems. I've tried weaning off of Klonopin, but with sleep still being a mess, I'm nervous of rocking the boat too much.
So the question is, what now? I'm loaded up on medication and still getting terrible sleep.
Do I switch psychiatrists to the more expensive 'expert'? No clue for now.
All I can do is hope I sleep better tonight.
Most of the night I'm either wide awake, or going in and out of sleep constantly. For some reason I find once the morning hits, I get more solid sleep and feel rested around 11:30am. (Not cool once I need to get up earlier in the morning)
Reading online, it just seems inevitable that the sedative effects of drugs like Seroquel wear off, which leaves you in an endless cycle of upping the dose to get the same sedative effects.
When you first take Seroquel, it will knock you out like a sledgehammer, and keep you sleeping for a while. But as of last night I didn't feel a thing.
I didn't mention this earlier, but I'm also taking Klonopin and Rozerem at night. Klonopoin is a 'benzo' with severe long-term addictive problems. I've tried weaning off of Klonopin, but with sleep still being a mess, I'm nervous of rocking the boat too much.
So the question is, what now? I'm loaded up on medication and still getting terrible sleep.
Do I switch psychiatrists to the more expensive 'expert'? No clue for now.
All I can do is hope I sleep better tonight.
Friday, September 27, 2013
Introduction - Part 2
Lithium is known as the 'Gold Standard' of mood stabilizers for bipolar disorder. I've been on it for virtually all of my 10 years.
However, there is one big catch - you can develop kidney or thyroid problems. Regular blood tests keep an eye on that.
My blood tests were always perfect, until about a month ago I received a call from my psychiatrist.
I had developed hypothyroidism.
Now at first this sounded terrifying - I have even more shit wrong with me that need medication for?! Not something temporary, but another lifelong condition?!
In the end, it's not that scary. Anybody can develop hypothyroidism, and the medication (Synthroid) is side effect free. I learned how it just means my thyroid is under active - which explained my mysterious weight gain I had been experiencing for over a year. (Hyperthyroidism, in contrast, means you have an over active thyroid. Can lead to anxiety, weight loss instead of weight gain, etc)
I made peace with my new additional medial condition over time. My weight started to go back to normal.
However, my psychiatrist reacted dramatically. She started to slowly taper me off the Lithium, while trying new medications like Abilify.
At first this went fine - I had annoying (not terrible) side effects from Abilify, so we moved on to trying Tegretol.
This continued to be more of an annoyance than a terror - I was fidgety, wakeful while sleeping, but overall okay. However, the Lithium was still in my system in lower doses.
Almost immediately after stopping Lithium completely (staying only on Tegretol), things started to feel wrong. I was starting to have trouble breathing, with a physical feeling of panic often.
I gave it a week, and that proved useless. I just ended up having mini panic attacks 24/7. Hooray!
My psychiatrist reacted by raising my current medication, the Tegretol, to a higher level. I at first was pushing for a lower dosage level due to fear of side effects. Plus I felt that sense of invincibility mentioned in my first post.
And, well, raising it did introduce some terrible side effects. I felt completely drugged, woozy, and uncoordinated. Just walking on the sidewalk, I tripped and fell flat on my chest like a feeble old man. I got into a car accident (fender bender) that cost me $1,800. Exercising just felt weird. Not to mention the worst sexual side effects I had ever experienced (hey, can you really get too TMI in an anonymous blog?)
And on top of all of that, I was still having a mini panic attack 24/7.
At this point I was a mess. I'm a freelancer, I was in between jobs, and my car was in the shop. My days devolved into me watching Netflix all day, trying desperately to make the terrible feelings of panic, shortness of breath, etc to just go away. My body felt like it was in revolt.
Oddly enough, now whenever someone mentions Orange is the New Black or House of Cards (Netflix shows I watched), that panic starts to come back for a second. Almost like a strange mild form of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)
At this point me and my family lost faith in my psychiatrist. My parents, both mental health professionals, found me the very best psychiatrist they could find in New York to give me his second opinion. Expensive as hell, but they split the cost with me.
This new psychiatrist recommended I get back on my Lithium immediately. He never would have taken me off of it the way my psychiatrist had, bouncing me around between medications.
You would think, at this point, things would get better, right?
Nope.
Not at all.
I was segued back to Lithium, now free from the Tegretol side effects, but my terrible panic remained. Plus now I was starting to feel nausea in addition to the panic. At first mild nausea, nothing serious, but it just got worse. Much worse. I felt in a permanent state of being about to violently throw up, as if a small creature in my stomach was pushing my innards around. My mom joked I was going into labor.
Over time, the nausea invaded my sleep. I'd go to sleep to only wake up 30 minutes later, nauseous and panicked.
Finally, one night, this culminated into the grand symphony that landed me in the Emergency Room mentioned in my previous post. The nausea, the panic, the insomnia - they all finally left me a twitching mess.
The doctors in the ER found nothing obviously wrong with me, deemed my situation psychiatric in nature, and hooked me up to an IV of powerful anti nausea medication. At least that afforded me an hour of two of sleep throughout the long night at the ER. (I was released at around 7:00am)
Finally, at this point, things turned around. In addition to the Lithium, I was newly prescribed Seroquel, another mood stabilizer that is very sedating. Normally I'd avoid something that powerful (and am still nervous about it in my system), but it worked.
My nausea went away, and I was able to sleep. My new job at the time kept my mind off of everything.
I am now writing this after my job finished. My sleep has gotten worse again, but I've switched from Seroquel's XR (Extended Release) to Immediate Release on a higher dose (200mg from 100mg). It ain't perfect - takes about 90 minutes to 2 hours to fall into a wakeful sleep - but the panic/nausea is still gone, which I'm very thankful for.
The thing is, once I feel ready, I'm going to need to get rid of the Seroquel. It's too powerful, and has its own run of potential long term side effects. I don't trust my current psychiatrist to guide me through that, but the high profile expert is expensive, with limited office hours.
If I improperly take myself off of the Seroquel, I could suffer withdrawal symptoms that would be just as bad as all of my previous nightmarish experiences.
But, for now, I patiently wait to get back to a solid night's sleep.
However, there is one big catch - you can develop kidney or thyroid problems. Regular blood tests keep an eye on that.
My blood tests were always perfect, until about a month ago I received a call from my psychiatrist.
I had developed hypothyroidism.
Now at first this sounded terrifying - I have even more shit wrong with me that need medication for?! Not something temporary, but another lifelong condition?!
In the end, it's not that scary. Anybody can develop hypothyroidism, and the medication (Synthroid) is side effect free. I learned how it just means my thyroid is under active - which explained my mysterious weight gain I had been experiencing for over a year. (Hyperthyroidism, in contrast, means you have an over active thyroid. Can lead to anxiety, weight loss instead of weight gain, etc)
I made peace with my new additional medial condition over time. My weight started to go back to normal.
However, my psychiatrist reacted dramatically. She started to slowly taper me off the Lithium, while trying new medications like Abilify.
At first this went fine - I had annoying (not terrible) side effects from Abilify, so we moved on to trying Tegretol.
This continued to be more of an annoyance than a terror - I was fidgety, wakeful while sleeping, but overall okay. However, the Lithium was still in my system in lower doses.
Almost immediately after stopping Lithium completely (staying only on Tegretol), things started to feel wrong. I was starting to have trouble breathing, with a physical feeling of panic often.
I gave it a week, and that proved useless. I just ended up having mini panic attacks 24/7. Hooray!
My psychiatrist reacted by raising my current medication, the Tegretol, to a higher level. I at first was pushing for a lower dosage level due to fear of side effects. Plus I felt that sense of invincibility mentioned in my first post.
And, well, raising it did introduce some terrible side effects. I felt completely drugged, woozy, and uncoordinated. Just walking on the sidewalk, I tripped and fell flat on my chest like a feeble old man. I got into a car accident (fender bender) that cost me $1,800. Exercising just felt weird. Not to mention the worst sexual side effects I had ever experienced (hey, can you really get too TMI in an anonymous blog?)
And on top of all of that, I was still having a mini panic attack 24/7.
At this point I was a mess. I'm a freelancer, I was in between jobs, and my car was in the shop. My days devolved into me watching Netflix all day, trying desperately to make the terrible feelings of panic, shortness of breath, etc to just go away. My body felt like it was in revolt.
Oddly enough, now whenever someone mentions Orange is the New Black or House of Cards (Netflix shows I watched), that panic starts to come back for a second. Almost like a strange mild form of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)
At this point me and my family lost faith in my psychiatrist. My parents, both mental health professionals, found me the very best psychiatrist they could find in New York to give me his second opinion. Expensive as hell, but they split the cost with me.
This new psychiatrist recommended I get back on my Lithium immediately. He never would have taken me off of it the way my psychiatrist had, bouncing me around between medications.
You would think, at this point, things would get better, right?
Nope.
Not at all.
I was segued back to Lithium, now free from the Tegretol side effects, but my terrible panic remained. Plus now I was starting to feel nausea in addition to the panic. At first mild nausea, nothing serious, but it just got worse. Much worse. I felt in a permanent state of being about to violently throw up, as if a small creature in my stomach was pushing my innards around. My mom joked I was going into labor.
Over time, the nausea invaded my sleep. I'd go to sleep to only wake up 30 minutes later, nauseous and panicked.
Finally, one night, this culminated into the grand symphony that landed me in the Emergency Room mentioned in my previous post. The nausea, the panic, the insomnia - they all finally left me a twitching mess.
The doctors in the ER found nothing obviously wrong with me, deemed my situation psychiatric in nature, and hooked me up to an IV of powerful anti nausea medication. At least that afforded me an hour of two of sleep throughout the long night at the ER. (I was released at around 7:00am)
Finally, at this point, things turned around. In addition to the Lithium, I was newly prescribed Seroquel, another mood stabilizer that is very sedating. Normally I'd avoid something that powerful (and am still nervous about it in my system), but it worked.
My nausea went away, and I was able to sleep. My new job at the time kept my mind off of everything.
I am now writing this after my job finished. My sleep has gotten worse again, but I've switched from Seroquel's XR (Extended Release) to Immediate Release on a higher dose (200mg from 100mg). It ain't perfect - takes about 90 minutes to 2 hours to fall into a wakeful sleep - but the panic/nausea is still gone, which I'm very thankful for.
The thing is, once I feel ready, I'm going to need to get rid of the Seroquel. It's too powerful, and has its own run of potential long term side effects. I don't trust my current psychiatrist to guide me through that, but the high profile expert is expensive, with limited office hours.
If I improperly take myself off of the Seroquel, I could suffer withdrawal symptoms that would be just as bad as all of my previous nightmarish experiences.
But, for now, I patiently wait to get back to a solid night's sleep.
Introduction - Part 1
It's 2:00am and I'm dry heaving and convulsing in bed. I feel terrified, having no idea what's going on. An hour later I'm simply out of breath, still spasming uncontrollably.
I end up in an Emergency Room, get hooked up to an IV, and all I can think is 'Fuck, I still have to go to work in the morning'.
Ten years ago I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and since I have been seen by psychiatrists as the model bipolar patient. No mania, psychotic episodes, or crazy spending sprees of any kind. I was diligent about taking my medication - never flushed my pills down the toilet with a dramatic flourish.
One psychiatrist even wondered if I was truly bipolar or not.
But ten years of good health don't make me invincible, even if I started to feel that way over time.
Granted, my current situation is nothing like what happened back then. My initial hospitalization and diagnosis ten years ago was due to me having a full blown psychotic manic episode. I was trying to channel God and Satan, decipher secret codes from NPR programs, and I was on a cocktail of medication that actually made the mania worse. (I was misdiagnosed for most of my life)
Nothing approaching that has ever happened again.
But nonetheless, ten years later I find myself back in an ER. I'm not as invincible as I thought.
This blog is going to be used to detail my current period of destabilization and road to recovery, in the hopes that it might help or educate people about bipolar disorder in some way.
I don't tell the average person I'm bipolar, because I think there is still a stigma in society towards mental illness. I think there is still the stereotype of the 'crazy' manic bipolar patient - unstable, unpredictable, etc. Some people are surprised I'm bipolar when I tell them, and I think that's because of that lingering negative stereotype in our culture.
Despite my ER visit, I went back to work and pretended nothing happened. The job went well.
But I'm still bipolar 24/7, 365 days a year. No matter how 'cured' I will feel, I'm always at risk. Staying healthy is a lifelong job.
In this situation, my destabilization was a result of a series of changes in medication my psychiatrist (poorly) made. My next post (Part 2) will begin my current story in greater detail.
I end up in an Emergency Room, get hooked up to an IV, and all I can think is 'Fuck, I still have to go to work in the morning'.
Ten years ago I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and since I have been seen by psychiatrists as the model bipolar patient. No mania, psychotic episodes, or crazy spending sprees of any kind. I was diligent about taking my medication - never flushed my pills down the toilet with a dramatic flourish.
One psychiatrist even wondered if I was truly bipolar or not.
But ten years of good health don't make me invincible, even if I started to feel that way over time.
Granted, my current situation is nothing like what happened back then. My initial hospitalization and diagnosis ten years ago was due to me having a full blown psychotic manic episode. I was trying to channel God and Satan, decipher secret codes from NPR programs, and I was on a cocktail of medication that actually made the mania worse. (I was misdiagnosed for most of my life)
Nothing approaching that has ever happened again.
But nonetheless, ten years later I find myself back in an ER. I'm not as invincible as I thought.
This blog is going to be used to detail my current period of destabilization and road to recovery, in the hopes that it might help or educate people about bipolar disorder in some way.
I don't tell the average person I'm bipolar, because I think there is still a stigma in society towards mental illness. I think there is still the stereotype of the 'crazy' manic bipolar patient - unstable, unpredictable, etc. Some people are surprised I'm bipolar when I tell them, and I think that's because of that lingering negative stereotype in our culture.
Despite my ER visit, I went back to work and pretended nothing happened. The job went well.
But I'm still bipolar 24/7, 365 days a year. No matter how 'cured' I will feel, I'm always at risk. Staying healthy is a lifelong job.
In this situation, my destabilization was a result of a series of changes in medication my psychiatrist (poorly) made. My next post (Part 2) will begin my current story in greater detail.
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