It's 2:00am and I'm dry heaving and convulsing in bed. I feel terrified, having no idea what's going on. An hour later I'm simply out of breath, still spasming uncontrollably.
I end up in an Emergency Room, get hooked up to an IV, and all I can think is 'Fuck, I still have to go to work in the morning'.
Ten years ago I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and since I have been seen by psychiatrists as the model bipolar patient. No mania, psychotic episodes, or crazy spending sprees of any kind. I was diligent about taking my medication - never flushed my pills down the toilet with a dramatic flourish.
One psychiatrist even wondered if I was truly bipolar or not.
But ten years of good health don't make me invincible, even if I started to feel that way over time.
Granted, my current situation is nothing like what happened back then. My initial hospitalization and diagnosis ten years ago was due to me having a full blown psychotic manic episode. I was trying to channel God and Satan, decipher secret codes from NPR programs, and I was on a cocktail of medication that actually made the mania worse. (I was misdiagnosed for most of my life)
Nothing approaching that has ever happened again.
But nonetheless, ten years later I find myself back in an ER. I'm not as invincible as I thought.
This blog is going to be used to detail my current period of destabilization and road to recovery, in the hopes that it might help or educate people about bipolar disorder in some way.
I don't tell the average person I'm bipolar, because I think there is still a stigma in society towards mental illness. I think there is still the stereotype of the 'crazy' manic bipolar patient - unstable, unpredictable, etc. Some people are surprised I'm bipolar when I tell them, and I think that's because of that lingering negative stereotype in our culture.
Despite my ER visit, I went back to work and pretended nothing happened. The job went well.
But I'm still bipolar 24/7, 365 days a year. No matter how 'cured' I will feel, I'm always at risk. Staying healthy is a lifelong job.
In this situation, my destabilization was a result of a series of changes in medication my psychiatrist (poorly) made. My next post (Part 2) will begin my current story in greater detail.
I absolutely understand what you mean in being the "model bipolar patient." I've had therapists for years tell me the same thing. I guess it's because I don't fly off the wall and spend a ton of money I don't have either. But the mood swings in privacy and the ability not to sleep during them on top of the panic attacks at least with me, show otherwise. I am really digging your posts, I think it's incredible you found an outlet to write about your disorder so others can see. You're right, there still is a stigma attached which is unfortunate but being honest and open about the illness stomps it out slowly. I look forward to more posts!!!
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