Whither Freelancers Union

In Kafka's The Trial, "K." is arrested for a crime, except he is not told what the crime is.

Recently I received a letter from my health insurance company, Freelancers Union. It accused me of something, but it would not tell me exactly what I was accused of. I needed to mail in some paperwork for my ambiguous charges to be further investigated.

It was very time sensitive, and it definitely was a bunch of sad looking papers that really could have been made available online to instantly fill out, instead of laboriously mailed in. But so it is - sad papers, away to the post office!

I was suspected of having a pre existing condition, but they couldn't tell me what condition I was suspected of. As a result all of my health insurance benefits relating to this unnamed condition were immediately revoked until further notice.

That's right, all benefits revoked related to the condition that they won't tell me about. That they're not even sure I have yet. They took away it all for now anyway.

But if they do decide I have one, that means I will be cut off from those related service for one year.  It sounds like I just pay them for a year to not do anything, until finally I am deemed worthy of their services. Much like God deigning to open the pearly gates and cleanse our dirty pre existing conditions.

(aka a year of $465/month premiums that won't do shit)

I'm still reeling from this.

The waiting period makes even less sense, considering I've previously been enrolled in Freelancers Insurance for almost two years (2011 January to 2012 November). I've never had a problem from them.

I understand that bipolar disorder is considered one of the deadly pre existing conditions (dun dun dun), but now? They choose now, after taking my money for years, and two months before the ACA (Affordable Care Act) starts. Really?

You might - say 'Great! No more pre existing conditions in 2014?' right.

Sort of.

I read up on healthcare.gov and found Freelancers can continue screwing me in 2014:

"The only exception [to covering pre existing conditons] is for grandfathered individual health insurance plans -- the kind you buy yourself, not through an employer. They do not have to cover pre-existing conditions.

That's right. Freelancers Union, who have marketed themselves for years as fighting for the freelancing underdog, will proudly be one of the few remaining health insurance companies in the country to still not cover pre existing conditions.

So they will most likely make me wait a year to receive services - someone who has previously used their services for the same damn thing for about two years.

I want to call them up and ask "Do you realize nearly every insurance plan will cover pre existing conditions in January, and that you're going to lose customers over this? "

Progress

I haven't had too much to write about recently, as things have started evening out pretty well.

Since about a week and a half ago, I've been able to sleep without using Ambien, Klonopin, etc. I've been able to fall asleep without feeling eternally awake.

Not only that, but over time I'm starting to sleep through the night as well, without waking up the way I have been. I've been exercising a lot too, which might have been helping.

But either way, it's great. My life is completely back to normal now I would say, which is just huge.

The final step is to wean off my 200mg of Seroquel, but I'm very wary of this, for obvious reasons. People online recommend very cautious measures of tapering in tiny pieces using a razor blade, but I've also read/heard that breaking up a pill can reduce its potency if it's not scored (with a line down the middle).

Tapering is one of those areas where popular advice from psychiatrists can just not be cautious enough. I followed more cautious Internet advice tapering off of Cymbalta, and that worked very well, vs previous psychiatrists recommending quicker methods that results in at least a few days of messy withdrawal symptoms.

This has been a (by my standards) long road to recovery since August, and I am VERY very wary of making any medication changes, after seeing what all of the recent changes have brought.

I'll probably wait a bit more to make sure I'm doing okay, and time it when everything is going well. I might start a new job soon, in which case I might give myself some time to get used to that first.

The Lord Giveth, and then the Lord Takes Away

Almost as  a cruel 'fuck you' from the universe after last night's success of sleep, I have been wide awake since 4:00am (it's around 6:00am now) and getting to sleep was wonky too.

I took a full 10mg Ambien, and even taking 1mg of Klonopin at 4:00am didn't put me back to sleep.

I'm starting to feel like I have magical powers, where my body can absorb all sorts of powerful sedative drugs like it's simply breathing oxygen, with no reaction at all.

There's a clear correlation with what I do during the day to my sleep - if I exercise, or go out somewhere in the evening, before bed, I sleep better. Yesterday I was letting my legs rest after jogging and did not exercise - nor did I go out last night. Bam.

But this is the first night where 10mg of Ambien plus 1mg of Klonopin is not doing anything 4am onward. I have a lot of questions about what to do next, because my insomnia has clearly resulted from my psychiatric destabilization, even though during the day I am completely stabilized.

I realize this blog is new with a very small readership, but I'd love to hear any comments from people who might have gone through similar situations of chronic insomnia that's resulted from medication changes.

Hey, I slept on my own!

Some good recovery signs - my appetite is back, so eating is no longer an abstract game of guessing when/how much to eat. Food is enjoyable again, which is nice.

In addition, I was able to sleep last night without any sleep aids! (i.e. Ambien/Klonopin,etc) That's a first in weeks. To be fair, I was out and had three drinks, but it was nothing serious. Still went to bed around 12 or 12:30am, usual time. In general I'm still taking Ambien, either in 5mg or 10mg, though.

I am starting to fully appreciate how far I've come since I was convulsing and not sleeping at night at my worst over a month ago. This whole mess turned sour around August 5th, and by initial projections I was supposed to recover by the end of August.

When I think about it like that, with so many days of feeling terrible spreading onward, I can't imagine it. The time has kind of all blended together, and I'm thankful I've been able to still function, support myself, and do everything I've needed to do in general.

Before this whole mess started, I wanted to experiment with going off of a mood stabilizer. Now, it's clear how much damage changing medications can do - or, at least, when changed too quickly/haphazardly. Lithium is cheap as hell anyway.

Of course, once my sleep normalizes, I still need to get off that Seroquel. That could be a mess. I'll have to be incredibly cautious.

Getting frustrated

Halving my Ambien to 5mg was a failure - ended up taking another 5mg when I couldn't sleep in the middle of the night.

I just feel exhausted now the next day after taking 10mg Ambien.

Very frustrated over how long this recovery has been, and how close I am. The remaining symptoms are insomnia and a complete lack of appetite all day - signs something is clearly still amiss.

Going to try 5mg again tonight, but not optimistic. I can try upping the Seroquel from 200mg to 300mg if this doesn't work out, but that will probably knock me out during the day for at least a few days even more strongly.

Leaning more closely to seeing another psychiatrist, but I suppose I just want to see if things get better as well over time. Maybe let my body adjust to all of these medication changes more.

At least exercising is back to normal - no panicking or exhaustion. But c'mon, is it too much to ask to just go back to normal already?

Almost back to normal?

Brilliant - on my third night of Ambien I slept completely uninterrupted for 7 hours.  So nice to not have to struggle through a long night.

Only downside is I'm exhausted in the morning - probably a combination of known Ambien side effects plus me resetting my sleep schedule (getting up a half hour earlier each day).

I'm going to try a half dose (5mg) of Ambien, and then try none at all to see if I can get closer to being back to normal.

I still feel completely stable during the day now, so I really really hope my insomnia is just a lelftover  from the destabilization, and it's something I can reverse without drugging myself up any further.

EDIT - forgot to mention as of last night I tried taking myself off of Rozerem, and going back on my all-natural Melatonin. (Rozerem is some different prescription FDA-approved variant of Melatonin) Certainly didn't seem to hurt!

Hello Ambien!

Starting to feel more concerned about my current psychiatrist again.

In my last post I mentioned adding 50mg of Seroquel XR to try helping me sleep. Unfortunately, the additional 50mg didn't do anything, and it took me hours just to fall asleep.

I've really worked on being calm when I can't sleep, so I can accept it and relax as best I can. But that night really tested my patience, and I became increasingly frustrated. How many nights of this crap do I have to deal with?!

So in response my psychiatrist recommended upping my Lithium from 900mg to 1,350mg!!!  I have never been anywhere near that high. I basically said 'no way' and refused. I could get more nausea and stomach problems, or just risk having too much in my system. Adjusting back to Lithium is what triggered my unending nausea last time!

I feel great during the day now - it's just the sleeping. So I asked 'Why not just give me a sleeping aid?' and she obliged by giving me Ambien. She also gave me a prescription to go up to 300mg of Seroquel IR from my current 200mg if the Ambien didn't work.

So last night I tried Ambien - 10mg, the highest recommended dose. (I checked and it's safe to start with 10mg) At first it was like magic - I fell asleep instantly, without even being conscious of it.

However, I woke back up about 4 1/2 hours later, and resumed going through the usual song and dance of light sleep.

And either way, Ambien is intended as a short term solution. I'll develop a tolerance to it soon.

Hopefully things will just go back to normal and I stabilize, but I'm thinking more about seeing the fancy expensive psychiatrist. 1,350mg of Lithium - yeesh. I hate having to be so active in my treatment instead of just having someone I can trust.