Welp, the last week was a complete disaster.
All I did was go from 200mg to 150mg. I tried splitting up 300mg pills, or taking an exact 150mg using three 50mg pills. (I am the Seroquel lord, owning all shapes and sizes at this point)
In the end, both approaches ended up with the same results - disaster.
I woke up constantly each night, and three nights I wasn't able to fall asleep (until I took Ambien). By Friday this lack of sleep took a toll on me, and I was half awake all day.
Then I started to feel sick, which is continuing to intensify as I write this. (I find I can get sick after not sleeping well - body lowering its defenses or something)
Very frustrating.
I've never had such trouble tapering off of a medication. I might get withdrawal symptoms such as nausea, but in this case I just saw a return of my old insomnia symptoms. (The whole reason I took Seroquel in the first place recently)
So back to the full 200mg, and thank god for that. Can't wait to finally get some solid sleep and hopefully soon feel well rested during the day/not sick.
Granted, Seroquel has a sedative effect in the morning, but I'll take that morning sedation over feeling like shit all day.
Monday, November 11, 2013
Monday, November 4, 2013
Final stage of recovery
To quickly summarize the blog, I've gone on a long road of medication adjustment hell over the last few months.
Finally, things have stabilized in the last month or so, to the point I've been able to cut out my Ambien and Rozerem medications, and still sleep great.
That means one medication, Seroquel, remains to be weaned out of my medication diet. It's done amazing things for my recovery, which I never expected, given I've always seen it as too strong of a medication.
But here we are, and I finally feel healthy enough to try tapering off of it.
I talked to my psychiatrist, and am going to try going down to 150mg from 200mg. In actuality I'm just sloppily cutting 300mg pills in half using a pill cutter, so it ain't perfect, but it's better than going down to 100mg by cutting up 200mgs (what my psychiatrist recommended).
Frankly I'm nervous as hell. Sure, I can always just go back to 200mg, but after everything being so terrible recently, and only recently being stable, I can't help but feel reticent.
At the same time, I won't consider this a full recovery until I'm off of the Seroquel. Now that I'm working again, I'm noticing how sedating it is in the morning (I just nap on the morning subway now). And now that I can afford to relax on the weekends, I just sleep for about 11 hours (about the amount of time it takes for the Seroquel to wear off, I believe).
Cross fingers.
Finally, things have stabilized in the last month or so, to the point I've been able to cut out my Ambien and Rozerem medications, and still sleep great.
That means one medication, Seroquel, remains to be weaned out of my medication diet. It's done amazing things for my recovery, which I never expected, given I've always seen it as too strong of a medication.
But here we are, and I finally feel healthy enough to try tapering off of it.
I talked to my psychiatrist, and am going to try going down to 150mg from 200mg. In actuality I'm just sloppily cutting 300mg pills in half using a pill cutter, so it ain't perfect, but it's better than going down to 100mg by cutting up 200mgs (what my psychiatrist recommended).
Frankly I'm nervous as hell. Sure, I can always just go back to 200mg, but after everything being so terrible recently, and only recently being stable, I can't help but feel reticent.
At the same time, I won't consider this a full recovery until I'm off of the Seroquel. Now that I'm working again, I'm noticing how sedating it is in the morning (I just nap on the morning subway now). And now that I can afford to relax on the weekends, I just sleep for about 11 hours (about the amount of time it takes for the Seroquel to wear off, I believe).
Cross fingers.
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Whither Freelancers Union
In Kafka's The Trial, "K." is arrested for a crime, except he is not told what the crime is.
Recently I received a letter from my health insurance company, Freelancers Union. It accused me of something, but it would not tell me exactly what I was accused of. I needed to mail in some paperwork for my ambiguous charges to be further investigated.
It was very time sensitive, and it definitely was a bunch of sad looking papers that really could have been made available online to instantly fill out, instead of laboriously mailed in. But so it is - sad papers, away to the post office!
I was suspected of having a pre existing condition, but they couldn't tell me what condition I was suspected of. As a result all of my health insurance benefits relating to this unnamed condition were immediately revoked until further notice.
That's right, all benefits revoked related to the condition that they won't tell me about. That they're not even sure I have yet. They took away it all for now anyway.
But if they do decide I have one, that means I will be cut off from those related service for one year. It sounds like I just pay them for a year to not do anything, until finally I am deemed worthy of their services. Much like God deigning to open the pearly gates and cleanse our dirty pre existing conditions.
(aka a year of $465/month premiums that won't do shit)
I'm still reeling from this.
The waiting period makes even less sense, considering I've previously been enrolled in Freelancers Insurance for almost two years (2011 January to 2012 November). I've never had a problem from them.
I understand that bipolar disorder is considered one of the deadly pre existing conditions (dun dun dun), but now? They choose now, after taking my money for years, and two months before the ACA (Affordable Care Act) starts. Really?
You might - say 'Great! No more pre existing conditions in 2014?' right.
Sort of.
I read up on healthcare.gov and found Freelancers can continue screwing me in 2014:
"The only exception [to covering pre existing conditons] is for grandfathered individual health insurance plans -- the kind you buy yourself, not through an employer. They do not have to cover pre-existing conditions.
That's right. Freelancers Union, who have marketed themselves for years as fighting for the freelancing underdog, will proudly be one of the few remaining health insurance companies in the country to still not cover pre existing conditions.
So they will most likely make me wait a year to receive services - someone who has previously used their services for the same damn thing for about two years.
I want to call them up and ask "Do you realize nearly every insurance plan will cover pre existing conditions in January, and that you're going to lose customers over this? "
Recently I received a letter from my health insurance company, Freelancers Union. It accused me of something, but it would not tell me exactly what I was accused of. I needed to mail in some paperwork for my ambiguous charges to be further investigated.
It was very time sensitive, and it definitely was a bunch of sad looking papers that really could have been made available online to instantly fill out, instead of laboriously mailed in. But so it is - sad papers, away to the post office!
I was suspected of having a pre existing condition, but they couldn't tell me what condition I was suspected of. As a result all of my health insurance benefits relating to this unnamed condition were immediately revoked until further notice.
That's right, all benefits revoked related to the condition that they won't tell me about. That they're not even sure I have yet. They took away it all for now anyway.
But if they do decide I have one, that means I will be cut off from those related service for one year. It sounds like I just pay them for a year to not do anything, until finally I am deemed worthy of their services. Much like God deigning to open the pearly gates and cleanse our dirty pre existing conditions.
(aka a year of $465/month premiums that won't do shit)
I'm still reeling from this.
The waiting period makes even less sense, considering I've previously been enrolled in Freelancers Insurance for almost two years (2011 January to 2012 November). I've never had a problem from them.
I understand that bipolar disorder is considered one of the deadly pre existing conditions (dun dun dun), but now? They choose now, after taking my money for years, and two months before the ACA (Affordable Care Act) starts. Really?
You might - say 'Great! No more pre existing conditions in 2014?' right.
Sort of.
I read up on healthcare.gov and found Freelancers can continue screwing me in 2014:
"The only exception [to covering pre existing conditons] is for grandfathered individual health insurance plans -- the kind you buy yourself, not through an employer. They do not have to cover pre-existing conditions.
That's right. Freelancers Union, who have marketed themselves for years as fighting for the freelancing underdog, will proudly be one of the few remaining health insurance companies in the country to still not cover pre existing conditions.
So they will most likely make me wait a year to receive services - someone who has previously used their services for the same damn thing for about two years.
I want to call them up and ask "Do you realize nearly every insurance plan will cover pre existing conditions in January, and that you're going to lose customers over this? "
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Progress
I haven't had too much to write about recently, as things have started evening out pretty well.
Since about a week and a half ago, I've been able to sleep without using Ambien, Klonopin, etc. I've been able to fall asleep without feeling eternally awake.
Not only that, but over time I'm starting to sleep through the night as well, without waking up the way I have been. I've been exercising a lot too, which might have been helping.
But either way, it's great. My life is completely back to normal now I would say, which is just huge.
The final step is to wean off my 200mg of Seroquel, but I'm very wary of this, for obvious reasons. People online recommend very cautious measures of tapering in tiny pieces using a razor blade, but I've also read/heard that breaking up a pill can reduce its potency if it's not scored (with a line down the middle).
Tapering is one of those areas where popular advice from psychiatrists can just not be cautious enough. I followed more cautious Internet advice tapering off of Cymbalta, and that worked very well, vs previous psychiatrists recommending quicker methods that results in at least a few days of messy withdrawal symptoms.
This has been a (by my standards) long road to recovery since August, and I am VERY very wary of making any medication changes, after seeing what all of the recent changes have brought.
I'll probably wait a bit more to make sure I'm doing okay, and time it when everything is going well. I might start a new job soon, in which case I might give myself some time to get used to that first.
Since about a week and a half ago, I've been able to sleep without using Ambien, Klonopin, etc. I've been able to fall asleep without feeling eternally awake.
Not only that, but over time I'm starting to sleep through the night as well, without waking up the way I have been. I've been exercising a lot too, which might have been helping.
But either way, it's great. My life is completely back to normal now I would say, which is just huge.
The final step is to wean off my 200mg of Seroquel, but I'm very wary of this, for obvious reasons. People online recommend very cautious measures of tapering in tiny pieces using a razor blade, but I've also read/heard that breaking up a pill can reduce its potency if it's not scored (with a line down the middle).
Tapering is one of those areas where popular advice from psychiatrists can just not be cautious enough. I followed more cautious Internet advice tapering off of Cymbalta, and that worked very well, vs previous psychiatrists recommending quicker methods that results in at least a few days of messy withdrawal symptoms.
This has been a (by my standards) long road to recovery since August, and I am VERY very wary of making any medication changes, after seeing what all of the recent changes have brought.
I'll probably wait a bit more to make sure I'm doing okay, and time it when everything is going well. I might start a new job soon, in which case I might give myself some time to get used to that first.
Saturday, October 12, 2013
The Lord Giveth, and then the Lord Takes Away
Almost as a cruel 'fuck you' from the universe after last night's success of sleep, I have been wide awake since 4:00am (it's around 6:00am now) and getting to sleep was wonky too.
I took a full 10mg Ambien, and even taking 1mg of Klonopin at 4:00am didn't put me back to sleep.
I'm starting to feel like I have magical powers, where my body can absorb all sorts of powerful sedative drugs like it's simply breathing oxygen, with no reaction at all.
There's a clear correlation with what I do during the day to my sleep - if I exercise, or go out somewhere in the evening, before bed, I sleep better. Yesterday I was letting my legs rest after jogging and did not exercise - nor did I go out last night. Bam.
But this is the first night where 10mg of Ambien plus 1mg of Klonopin is not doing anything 4am onward. I have a lot of questions about what to do next, because my insomnia has clearly resulted from my psychiatric destabilization, even though during the day I am completely stabilized.
I realize this blog is new with a very small readership, but I'd love to hear any comments from people who might have gone through similar situations of chronic insomnia that's resulted from medication changes.
I took a full 10mg Ambien, and even taking 1mg of Klonopin at 4:00am didn't put me back to sleep.
I'm starting to feel like I have magical powers, where my body can absorb all sorts of powerful sedative drugs like it's simply breathing oxygen, with no reaction at all.
There's a clear correlation with what I do during the day to my sleep - if I exercise, or go out somewhere in the evening, before bed, I sleep better. Yesterday I was letting my legs rest after jogging and did not exercise - nor did I go out last night. Bam.
But this is the first night where 10mg of Ambien plus 1mg of Klonopin is not doing anything 4am onward. I have a lot of questions about what to do next, because my insomnia has clearly resulted from my psychiatric destabilization, even though during the day I am completely stabilized.
I realize this blog is new with a very small readership, but I'd love to hear any comments from people who might have gone through similar situations of chronic insomnia that's resulted from medication changes.
Friday, October 11, 2013
Hey, I slept on my own!
Some good recovery signs - my appetite is back, so eating is no longer an abstract game of guessing when/how much to eat. Food is enjoyable again, which is nice.
In addition, I was able to sleep last night without any sleep aids! (i.e. Ambien/Klonopin,etc) That's a first in weeks. To be fair, I was out and had three drinks, but it was nothing serious. Still went to bed around 12 or 12:30am, usual time. In general I'm still taking Ambien, either in 5mg or 10mg, though.
I am starting to fully appreciate how far I've come since I was convulsing and not sleeping at night at my worst over a month ago. This whole mess turned sour around August 5th, and by initial projections I was supposed to recover by the end of August.
When I think about it like that, with so many days of feeling terrible spreading onward, I can't imagine it. The time has kind of all blended together, and I'm thankful I've been able to still function, support myself, and do everything I've needed to do in general.
Before this whole mess started, I wanted to experiment with going off of a mood stabilizer. Now, it's clear how much damage changing medications can do - or, at least, when changed too quickly/haphazardly. Lithium is cheap as hell anyway.
Of course, once my sleep normalizes, I still need to get off that Seroquel. That could be a mess. I'll have to be incredibly cautious.
In addition, I was able to sleep last night without any sleep aids! (i.e. Ambien/Klonopin,etc) That's a first in weeks. To be fair, I was out and had three drinks, but it was nothing serious. Still went to bed around 12 or 12:30am, usual time. In general I'm still taking Ambien, either in 5mg or 10mg, though.
I am starting to fully appreciate how far I've come since I was convulsing and not sleeping at night at my worst over a month ago. This whole mess turned sour around August 5th, and by initial projections I was supposed to recover by the end of August.
When I think about it like that, with so many days of feeling terrible spreading onward, I can't imagine it. The time has kind of all blended together, and I'm thankful I've been able to still function, support myself, and do everything I've needed to do in general.
Before this whole mess started, I wanted to experiment with going off of a mood stabilizer. Now, it's clear how much damage changing medications can do - or, at least, when changed too quickly/haphazardly. Lithium is cheap as hell anyway.
Of course, once my sleep normalizes, I still need to get off that Seroquel. That could be a mess. I'll have to be incredibly cautious.
Monday, October 7, 2013
Getting frustrated
Halving my Ambien to 5mg was a failure - ended up taking another 5mg when I couldn't sleep in the middle of the night.
I just feel exhausted now the next day after taking 10mg Ambien.
Very frustrated over how long this recovery has been, and how close I am. The remaining symptoms are insomnia and a complete lack of appetite all day - signs something is clearly still amiss.
Going to try 5mg again tonight, but not optimistic. I can try upping the Seroquel from 200mg to 300mg if this doesn't work out, but that will probably knock me out during the day for at least a few days even more strongly.
Leaning more closely to seeing another psychiatrist, but I suppose I just want to see if things get better as well over time. Maybe let my body adjust to all of these medication changes more.
At least exercising is back to normal - no panicking or exhaustion. But c'mon, is it too much to ask to just go back to normal already?
I just feel exhausted now the next day after taking 10mg Ambien.
Very frustrated over how long this recovery has been, and how close I am. The remaining symptoms are insomnia and a complete lack of appetite all day - signs something is clearly still amiss.
Going to try 5mg again tonight, but not optimistic. I can try upping the Seroquel from 200mg to 300mg if this doesn't work out, but that will probably knock me out during the day for at least a few days even more strongly.
Leaning more closely to seeing another psychiatrist, but I suppose I just want to see if things get better as well over time. Maybe let my body adjust to all of these medication changes more.
At least exercising is back to normal - no panicking or exhaustion. But c'mon, is it too much to ask to just go back to normal already?
Friday, October 4, 2013
Almost back to normal?
Brilliant - on my third night of Ambien I slept completely uninterrupted for 7 hours. So nice to not have to struggle through a long night.
Only downside is I'm exhausted in the morning - probably a combination of known Ambien side effects plus me resetting my sleep schedule (getting up a half hour earlier each day).
I'm going to try a half dose (5mg) of Ambien, and then try none at all to see if I can get closer to being back to normal.
I still feel completely stable during the day now, so I really really hope my insomnia is just a lelftover from the destabilization, and it's something I can reverse without drugging myself up any further.
EDIT - forgot to mention as of last night I tried taking myself off of Rozerem, and going back on my all-natural Melatonin. (Rozerem is some different prescription FDA-approved variant of Melatonin) Certainly didn't seem to hurt!
Only downside is I'm exhausted in the morning - probably a combination of known Ambien side effects plus me resetting my sleep schedule (getting up a half hour earlier each day).
I'm going to try a half dose (5mg) of Ambien, and then try none at all to see if I can get closer to being back to normal.
I still feel completely stable during the day now, so I really really hope my insomnia is just a lelftover from the destabilization, and it's something I can reverse without drugging myself up any further.
EDIT - forgot to mention as of last night I tried taking myself off of Rozerem, and going back on my all-natural Melatonin. (Rozerem is some different prescription FDA-approved variant of Melatonin) Certainly didn't seem to hurt!
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Hello Ambien!
Starting to feel more concerned about my current psychiatrist again.
In my last post I mentioned adding 50mg of Seroquel XR to try helping me sleep. Unfortunately, the additional 50mg didn't do anything, and it took me hours just to fall asleep.
I've really worked on being calm when I can't sleep, so I can accept it and relax as best I can. But that night really tested my patience, and I became increasingly frustrated. How many nights of this crap do I have to deal with?!
So in response my psychiatrist recommended upping my Lithium from 900mg to 1,350mg!!! I have never been anywhere near that high. I basically said 'no way' and refused. I could get more nausea and stomach problems, or just risk having too much in my system. Adjusting back to Lithium is what triggered my unending nausea last time!
I feel great during the day now - it's just the sleeping. So I asked 'Why not just give me a sleeping aid?' and she obliged by giving me Ambien. She also gave me a prescription to go up to 300mg of Seroquel IR from my current 200mg if the Ambien didn't work.
So last night I tried Ambien - 10mg, the highest recommended dose. (I checked and it's safe to start with 10mg) At first it was like magic - I fell asleep instantly, without even being conscious of it.
However, I woke back up about 4 1/2 hours later, and resumed going through the usual song and dance of light sleep.
And either way, Ambien is intended as a short term solution. I'll develop a tolerance to it soon.
Hopefully things will just go back to normal and I stabilize, but I'm thinking more about seeing the fancy expensive psychiatrist. 1,350mg of Lithium - yeesh. I hate having to be so active in my treatment instead of just having someone I can trust.
In my last post I mentioned adding 50mg of Seroquel XR to try helping me sleep. Unfortunately, the additional 50mg didn't do anything, and it took me hours just to fall asleep.
I've really worked on being calm when I can't sleep, so I can accept it and relax as best I can. But that night really tested my patience, and I became increasingly frustrated. How many nights of this crap do I have to deal with?!
So in response my psychiatrist recommended upping my Lithium from 900mg to 1,350mg!!! I have never been anywhere near that high. I basically said 'no way' and refused. I could get more nausea and stomach problems, or just risk having too much in my system. Adjusting back to Lithium is what triggered my unending nausea last time!
I feel great during the day now - it's just the sleeping. So I asked 'Why not just give me a sleeping aid?' and she obliged by giving me Ambien. She also gave me a prescription to go up to 300mg of Seroquel IR from my current 200mg if the Ambien didn't work.
So last night I tried Ambien - 10mg, the highest recommended dose. (I checked and it's safe to start with 10mg) At first it was like magic - I fell asleep instantly, without even being conscious of it.
However, I woke back up about 4 1/2 hours later, and resumed going through the usual song and dance of light sleep.
And either way, Ambien is intended as a short term solution. I'll develop a tolerance to it soon.
Hopefully things will just go back to normal and I stabilize, but I'm thinking more about seeing the fancy expensive psychiatrist. 1,350mg of Lithium - yeesh. I hate having to be so active in my treatment instead of just having someone I can trust.
Monday, September 30, 2013
Up we go
Watching the finale of Breaking Bad last night was a very unique catharsis for me.
By coincidence, the final half season started airing right as my panic/anxiety was in full swing. If I was panicked enough, watching the show actually made my panic attack worse, due to my increased sensitivity at the time.
I love dark content, but certain things (such as the hell Jesse went through) became downright disturbing in a 'I want to stop watching' way. (I still watched it all anyway)
So it was almost unnaturally good timing that those feelings of panic stopped just in time for the finale last week. It was a relief on its own to realize how much better I felt while watching it, so to have the show resolve itself so perfectly (in my opinion) became even more satisfying.
Of course, that doesn't mean I'm out of the woods yet.
Sleep is still impossible. Which is strange, since I no longer feel panicked at all going to bed, or waking up. I just lay there a for hours, going in and out.
I spoke to my psychiatrist today, and she is continuing to have me climb upwards on Seroquel. I'm nervous as hell, but she is right that I have been still on a 'baby dose' of 200mg total. (Any site I read mentions 300mg-400mg as a minimum maintenance dose)
At least I'm off the Klonopin, making this all somewhat less of an absurd medication circus.
So tonight I'm going to try adding 50mg of XR (Extended Release) to my usual 200mg Immediate Release (IR). Take the XR four hours before bed, IR one hour before bed, and my Rozerem 30 minutes before bed. Still a medication circus if you ask me, but I'm feeling better, so I can't really complain too much.
She claims I haven't developed a 'tolerance' to Seroquel, but it seems quite clear that I always sleep like a baby on a new higher dose, and then that diminishes over time. As mentioned previously, reading online it seems like a common occurence as well.
I'm used to being on very low medication. Over the last year I tapered off of Cymbalta slowly, so I was only taking Lithium 900mg. That was it.
But until I get a good night's sleep again - instead of spending the majority of the time laying in bed - I'm open to moving upward on medications.
For now.
By coincidence, the final half season started airing right as my panic/anxiety was in full swing. If I was panicked enough, watching the show actually made my panic attack worse, due to my increased sensitivity at the time.
I love dark content, but certain things (such as the hell Jesse went through) became downright disturbing in a 'I want to stop watching' way. (I still watched it all anyway)
So it was almost unnaturally good timing that those feelings of panic stopped just in time for the finale last week. It was a relief on its own to realize how much better I felt while watching it, so to have the show resolve itself so perfectly (in my opinion) became even more satisfying.
Of course, that doesn't mean I'm out of the woods yet.
Sleep is still impossible. Which is strange, since I no longer feel panicked at all going to bed, or waking up. I just lay there a for hours, going in and out.
I spoke to my psychiatrist today, and she is continuing to have me climb upwards on Seroquel. I'm nervous as hell, but she is right that I have been still on a 'baby dose' of 200mg total. (Any site I read mentions 300mg-400mg as a minimum maintenance dose)
At least I'm off the Klonopin, making this all somewhat less of an absurd medication circus.
So tonight I'm going to try adding 50mg of XR (Extended Release) to my usual 200mg Immediate Release (IR). Take the XR four hours before bed, IR one hour before bed, and my Rozerem 30 minutes before bed. Still a medication circus if you ask me, but I'm feeling better, so I can't really complain too much.
She claims I haven't developed a 'tolerance' to Seroquel, but it seems quite clear that I always sleep like a baby on a new higher dose, and then that diminishes over time. As mentioned previously, reading online it seems like a common occurence as well.
I'm used to being on very low medication. Over the last year I tapered off of Cymbalta slowly, so I was only taking Lithium 900mg. That was it.
But until I get a good night's sleep again - instead of spending the majority of the time laying in bed - I'm open to moving upward on medications.
For now.
Saturday, September 28, 2013
What now?
Lovely! Sleep was awful last night - I'm already developing a strong tolerance to my new Seroquel dose. (Barely has been a week since I doubled from 100 XR to 200 Immediate Release)
Most of the night I'm either wide awake, or going in and out of sleep constantly. For some reason I find once the morning hits, I get more solid sleep and feel rested around 11:30am. (Not cool once I need to get up earlier in the morning)
Reading online, it just seems inevitable that the sedative effects of drugs like Seroquel wear off, which leaves you in an endless cycle of upping the dose to get the same sedative effects.
When you first take Seroquel, it will knock you out like a sledgehammer, and keep you sleeping for a while. But as of last night I didn't feel a thing.
I didn't mention this earlier, but I'm also taking Klonopin and Rozerem at night. Klonopoin is a 'benzo' with severe long-term addictive problems. I've tried weaning off of Klonopin, but with sleep still being a mess, I'm nervous of rocking the boat too much.
So the question is, what now? I'm loaded up on medication and still getting terrible sleep.
Do I switch psychiatrists to the more expensive 'expert'? No clue for now.
All I can do is hope I sleep better tonight.
Most of the night I'm either wide awake, or going in and out of sleep constantly. For some reason I find once the morning hits, I get more solid sleep and feel rested around 11:30am. (Not cool once I need to get up earlier in the morning)
Reading online, it just seems inevitable that the sedative effects of drugs like Seroquel wear off, which leaves you in an endless cycle of upping the dose to get the same sedative effects.
When you first take Seroquel, it will knock you out like a sledgehammer, and keep you sleeping for a while. But as of last night I didn't feel a thing.
I didn't mention this earlier, but I'm also taking Klonopin and Rozerem at night. Klonopoin is a 'benzo' with severe long-term addictive problems. I've tried weaning off of Klonopin, but with sleep still being a mess, I'm nervous of rocking the boat too much.
So the question is, what now? I'm loaded up on medication and still getting terrible sleep.
Do I switch psychiatrists to the more expensive 'expert'? No clue for now.
All I can do is hope I sleep better tonight.
Friday, September 27, 2013
Introduction - Part 2
Lithium is known as the 'Gold Standard' of mood stabilizers for bipolar disorder. I've been on it for virtually all of my 10 years.
However, there is one big catch - you can develop kidney or thyroid problems. Regular blood tests keep an eye on that.
My blood tests were always perfect, until about a month ago I received a call from my psychiatrist.
I had developed hypothyroidism.
Now at first this sounded terrifying - I have even more shit wrong with me that need medication for?! Not something temporary, but another lifelong condition?!
In the end, it's not that scary. Anybody can develop hypothyroidism, and the medication (Synthroid) is side effect free. I learned how it just means my thyroid is under active - which explained my mysterious weight gain I had been experiencing for over a year. (Hyperthyroidism, in contrast, means you have an over active thyroid. Can lead to anxiety, weight loss instead of weight gain, etc)
I made peace with my new additional medial condition over time. My weight started to go back to normal.
However, my psychiatrist reacted dramatically. She started to slowly taper me off the Lithium, while trying new medications like Abilify.
At first this went fine - I had annoying (not terrible) side effects from Abilify, so we moved on to trying Tegretol.
This continued to be more of an annoyance than a terror - I was fidgety, wakeful while sleeping, but overall okay. However, the Lithium was still in my system in lower doses.
Almost immediately after stopping Lithium completely (staying only on Tegretol), things started to feel wrong. I was starting to have trouble breathing, with a physical feeling of panic often.
I gave it a week, and that proved useless. I just ended up having mini panic attacks 24/7. Hooray!
My psychiatrist reacted by raising my current medication, the Tegretol, to a higher level. I at first was pushing for a lower dosage level due to fear of side effects. Plus I felt that sense of invincibility mentioned in my first post.
And, well, raising it did introduce some terrible side effects. I felt completely drugged, woozy, and uncoordinated. Just walking on the sidewalk, I tripped and fell flat on my chest like a feeble old man. I got into a car accident (fender bender) that cost me $1,800. Exercising just felt weird. Not to mention the worst sexual side effects I had ever experienced (hey, can you really get too TMI in an anonymous blog?)
And on top of all of that, I was still having a mini panic attack 24/7.
At this point I was a mess. I'm a freelancer, I was in between jobs, and my car was in the shop. My days devolved into me watching Netflix all day, trying desperately to make the terrible feelings of panic, shortness of breath, etc to just go away. My body felt like it was in revolt.
Oddly enough, now whenever someone mentions Orange is the New Black or House of Cards (Netflix shows I watched), that panic starts to come back for a second. Almost like a strange mild form of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)
At this point me and my family lost faith in my psychiatrist. My parents, both mental health professionals, found me the very best psychiatrist they could find in New York to give me his second opinion. Expensive as hell, but they split the cost with me.
This new psychiatrist recommended I get back on my Lithium immediately. He never would have taken me off of it the way my psychiatrist had, bouncing me around between medications.
You would think, at this point, things would get better, right?
Nope.
Not at all.
I was segued back to Lithium, now free from the Tegretol side effects, but my terrible panic remained. Plus now I was starting to feel nausea in addition to the panic. At first mild nausea, nothing serious, but it just got worse. Much worse. I felt in a permanent state of being about to violently throw up, as if a small creature in my stomach was pushing my innards around. My mom joked I was going into labor.
Over time, the nausea invaded my sleep. I'd go to sleep to only wake up 30 minutes later, nauseous and panicked.
Finally, one night, this culminated into the grand symphony that landed me in the Emergency Room mentioned in my previous post. The nausea, the panic, the insomnia - they all finally left me a twitching mess.
The doctors in the ER found nothing obviously wrong with me, deemed my situation psychiatric in nature, and hooked me up to an IV of powerful anti nausea medication. At least that afforded me an hour of two of sleep throughout the long night at the ER. (I was released at around 7:00am)
Finally, at this point, things turned around. In addition to the Lithium, I was newly prescribed Seroquel, another mood stabilizer that is very sedating. Normally I'd avoid something that powerful (and am still nervous about it in my system), but it worked.
My nausea went away, and I was able to sleep. My new job at the time kept my mind off of everything.
I am now writing this after my job finished. My sleep has gotten worse again, but I've switched from Seroquel's XR (Extended Release) to Immediate Release on a higher dose (200mg from 100mg). It ain't perfect - takes about 90 minutes to 2 hours to fall into a wakeful sleep - but the panic/nausea is still gone, which I'm very thankful for.
The thing is, once I feel ready, I'm going to need to get rid of the Seroquel. It's too powerful, and has its own run of potential long term side effects. I don't trust my current psychiatrist to guide me through that, but the high profile expert is expensive, with limited office hours.
If I improperly take myself off of the Seroquel, I could suffer withdrawal symptoms that would be just as bad as all of my previous nightmarish experiences.
But, for now, I patiently wait to get back to a solid night's sleep.
However, there is one big catch - you can develop kidney or thyroid problems. Regular blood tests keep an eye on that.
My blood tests were always perfect, until about a month ago I received a call from my psychiatrist.
I had developed hypothyroidism.
Now at first this sounded terrifying - I have even more shit wrong with me that need medication for?! Not something temporary, but another lifelong condition?!
In the end, it's not that scary. Anybody can develop hypothyroidism, and the medication (Synthroid) is side effect free. I learned how it just means my thyroid is under active - which explained my mysterious weight gain I had been experiencing for over a year. (Hyperthyroidism, in contrast, means you have an over active thyroid. Can lead to anxiety, weight loss instead of weight gain, etc)
I made peace with my new additional medial condition over time. My weight started to go back to normal.
However, my psychiatrist reacted dramatically. She started to slowly taper me off the Lithium, while trying new medications like Abilify.
At first this went fine - I had annoying (not terrible) side effects from Abilify, so we moved on to trying Tegretol.
This continued to be more of an annoyance than a terror - I was fidgety, wakeful while sleeping, but overall okay. However, the Lithium was still in my system in lower doses.
Almost immediately after stopping Lithium completely (staying only on Tegretol), things started to feel wrong. I was starting to have trouble breathing, with a physical feeling of panic often.
I gave it a week, and that proved useless. I just ended up having mini panic attacks 24/7. Hooray!
My psychiatrist reacted by raising my current medication, the Tegretol, to a higher level. I at first was pushing for a lower dosage level due to fear of side effects. Plus I felt that sense of invincibility mentioned in my first post.
And, well, raising it did introduce some terrible side effects. I felt completely drugged, woozy, and uncoordinated. Just walking on the sidewalk, I tripped and fell flat on my chest like a feeble old man. I got into a car accident (fender bender) that cost me $1,800. Exercising just felt weird. Not to mention the worst sexual side effects I had ever experienced (hey, can you really get too TMI in an anonymous blog?)
And on top of all of that, I was still having a mini panic attack 24/7.
At this point I was a mess. I'm a freelancer, I was in between jobs, and my car was in the shop. My days devolved into me watching Netflix all day, trying desperately to make the terrible feelings of panic, shortness of breath, etc to just go away. My body felt like it was in revolt.
Oddly enough, now whenever someone mentions Orange is the New Black or House of Cards (Netflix shows I watched), that panic starts to come back for a second. Almost like a strange mild form of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)
At this point me and my family lost faith in my psychiatrist. My parents, both mental health professionals, found me the very best psychiatrist they could find in New York to give me his second opinion. Expensive as hell, but they split the cost with me.
This new psychiatrist recommended I get back on my Lithium immediately. He never would have taken me off of it the way my psychiatrist had, bouncing me around between medications.
You would think, at this point, things would get better, right?
Nope.
Not at all.
I was segued back to Lithium, now free from the Tegretol side effects, but my terrible panic remained. Plus now I was starting to feel nausea in addition to the panic. At first mild nausea, nothing serious, but it just got worse. Much worse. I felt in a permanent state of being about to violently throw up, as if a small creature in my stomach was pushing my innards around. My mom joked I was going into labor.
Over time, the nausea invaded my sleep. I'd go to sleep to only wake up 30 minutes later, nauseous and panicked.
Finally, one night, this culminated into the grand symphony that landed me in the Emergency Room mentioned in my previous post. The nausea, the panic, the insomnia - they all finally left me a twitching mess.
The doctors in the ER found nothing obviously wrong with me, deemed my situation psychiatric in nature, and hooked me up to an IV of powerful anti nausea medication. At least that afforded me an hour of two of sleep throughout the long night at the ER. (I was released at around 7:00am)
Finally, at this point, things turned around. In addition to the Lithium, I was newly prescribed Seroquel, another mood stabilizer that is very sedating. Normally I'd avoid something that powerful (and am still nervous about it in my system), but it worked.
My nausea went away, and I was able to sleep. My new job at the time kept my mind off of everything.
I am now writing this after my job finished. My sleep has gotten worse again, but I've switched from Seroquel's XR (Extended Release) to Immediate Release on a higher dose (200mg from 100mg). It ain't perfect - takes about 90 minutes to 2 hours to fall into a wakeful sleep - but the panic/nausea is still gone, which I'm very thankful for.
The thing is, once I feel ready, I'm going to need to get rid of the Seroquel. It's too powerful, and has its own run of potential long term side effects. I don't trust my current psychiatrist to guide me through that, but the high profile expert is expensive, with limited office hours.
If I improperly take myself off of the Seroquel, I could suffer withdrawal symptoms that would be just as bad as all of my previous nightmarish experiences.
But, for now, I patiently wait to get back to a solid night's sleep.
Introduction - Part 1
It's 2:00am and I'm dry heaving and convulsing in bed. I feel terrified, having no idea what's going on. An hour later I'm simply out of breath, still spasming uncontrollably.
I end up in an Emergency Room, get hooked up to an IV, and all I can think is 'Fuck, I still have to go to work in the morning'.
Ten years ago I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and since I have been seen by psychiatrists as the model bipolar patient. No mania, psychotic episodes, or crazy spending sprees of any kind. I was diligent about taking my medication - never flushed my pills down the toilet with a dramatic flourish.
One psychiatrist even wondered if I was truly bipolar or not.
But ten years of good health don't make me invincible, even if I started to feel that way over time.
Granted, my current situation is nothing like what happened back then. My initial hospitalization and diagnosis ten years ago was due to me having a full blown psychotic manic episode. I was trying to channel God and Satan, decipher secret codes from NPR programs, and I was on a cocktail of medication that actually made the mania worse. (I was misdiagnosed for most of my life)
Nothing approaching that has ever happened again.
But nonetheless, ten years later I find myself back in an ER. I'm not as invincible as I thought.
This blog is going to be used to detail my current period of destabilization and road to recovery, in the hopes that it might help or educate people about bipolar disorder in some way.
I don't tell the average person I'm bipolar, because I think there is still a stigma in society towards mental illness. I think there is still the stereotype of the 'crazy' manic bipolar patient - unstable, unpredictable, etc. Some people are surprised I'm bipolar when I tell them, and I think that's because of that lingering negative stereotype in our culture.
Despite my ER visit, I went back to work and pretended nothing happened. The job went well.
But I'm still bipolar 24/7, 365 days a year. No matter how 'cured' I will feel, I'm always at risk. Staying healthy is a lifelong job.
In this situation, my destabilization was a result of a series of changes in medication my psychiatrist (poorly) made. My next post (Part 2) will begin my current story in greater detail.
I end up in an Emergency Room, get hooked up to an IV, and all I can think is 'Fuck, I still have to go to work in the morning'.
Ten years ago I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and since I have been seen by psychiatrists as the model bipolar patient. No mania, psychotic episodes, or crazy spending sprees of any kind. I was diligent about taking my medication - never flushed my pills down the toilet with a dramatic flourish.
One psychiatrist even wondered if I was truly bipolar or not.
But ten years of good health don't make me invincible, even if I started to feel that way over time.
Granted, my current situation is nothing like what happened back then. My initial hospitalization and diagnosis ten years ago was due to me having a full blown psychotic manic episode. I was trying to channel God and Satan, decipher secret codes from NPR programs, and I was on a cocktail of medication that actually made the mania worse. (I was misdiagnosed for most of my life)
Nothing approaching that has ever happened again.
But nonetheless, ten years later I find myself back in an ER. I'm not as invincible as I thought.
This blog is going to be used to detail my current period of destabilization and road to recovery, in the hopes that it might help or educate people about bipolar disorder in some way.
I don't tell the average person I'm bipolar, because I think there is still a stigma in society towards mental illness. I think there is still the stereotype of the 'crazy' manic bipolar patient - unstable, unpredictable, etc. Some people are surprised I'm bipolar when I tell them, and I think that's because of that lingering negative stereotype in our culture.
Despite my ER visit, I went back to work and pretended nothing happened. The job went well.
But I'm still bipolar 24/7, 365 days a year. No matter how 'cured' I will feel, I'm always at risk. Staying healthy is a lifelong job.
In this situation, my destabilization was a result of a series of changes in medication my psychiatrist (poorly) made. My next post (Part 2) will begin my current story in greater detail.
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